Episode 53: 2.6.25
i rose up from the dead, i do it all the time
I’ve been absent for a few months while trying to find the perfect equilibrium of not injecting the foulest content into my eyeballs 24/7 by deleting meta, twitter, etc., and still being in touch with The World™, and it turns out I can’t do it! The allure is too strong, and how the fuck does one communicate with rando people you met in college wandering around the city during the high holy days without Palantir or other ghouls breathing down your neck?
Anyway, here’s all the bullshit you missed or maybe heard from me already offline. I’ll cut back again during Lent, I swear.
You know it’s bad out there when you see people making fancams of GWB simply because his name does not pop up in the Epstein files.
NEWS FIT(ish) TO PRINT:
Happy Olympics Day! Every two years, we each get 3 coupons for saying “USA! USA!” without remorse. This time we only get one per person, so use them wisely.
Milan may be cold, but the drama is already hotter than those dumb eagle polyester skirts. The World Anti-Doping Agency is prepped and ready to investigate ski jumpers who could be injecting hyaluronic acid in their penises. 2 cm of stretch could mean up to 5.8m in jump length!
oh to be the graphic designer who built out the hyaluronic-dick-filler-gate diagram Canadian Tate McRae’s getting backlash for starring in an Olympics ad for Team USA. Don’t worry, she confidently reassured all Canadians with an instagram story response, stating, “Y'all know I'm Canada down.” Canada DOWN? Like the UNITED STATES?
Since day one her face has given “I’ve never been here to talk about politics. I’ve always been here to make art, so this is just not a conversation I want to be at the forefront of”
Disneyland will now offer
plantation“New Orleans mansion”-style, white-columned Haunted Mansion wedding ceremonies for those who want to embody Blake Lively’s “classic” Southern wedding style aesthetic with a 300% markup for a little Disney-washing.I may be getting a little too up in arms about this, but are you gonna look me in the eye and tell me the wedding Pinterest boards for this aren’t going to include “plantation wedding” AI suggestions?
Kayleigh-Anne, why is it haunted? Who would be haunting a New Orleans uptown mansion, Kayleigh?
HBO is officially set to butcher Baldur’s Gate 3 because it’s impossible to make a big-budget action show these days without an investor-friendly IP served hot and ready. Millennials love video games like The Last of Us, so they’ll surely tune in!
The show will take place after the events of the game, and honestly, I am mildly interested to see what TLOU’s showrunner deems as the canonical timeline, given that the game has 17k distinct endings that all send the main characters in opposite directions. Imagine spending years drafting 236+ hours of recorded dialogue just for Hasbro to give a writer’s room 6 weeks to write even more (but this time it’s HBO-big-wig-friendly). Just make an original D&D show, jesus.
can’t wait for the gay barbie game to be about 70% less gay, have 40% more sexual assault, & the bear scene will be cut for time
Every time I open my mouth outside the house, I feel like I’m wearing a fucking tinfoil hat. Did you hear that Jeffrey might actually be alive in Tel Aviv playing Fortnite (NOTE: disproven by Fortnite HQ)? Did you hear that JK Rowling invited him to the Cursed Child play after he was convicted in 2008 because she probably wanted $$$ for her Epstein-supported global trans scapegoat plot? Did you hear about the tent stake making the bad man go poo-poo on the tv?
there are billionaire death-cults everywhere for those with the eyes to see Don’t worry, Kamala and her team of Gen Z and Gen As started Headquarters (67) to inspire the youth to love liberalism since it worked so well the past twenty years!
Speaking of Fortnite, Chappell will be the new pay-to-play star this season.
s/o to EA’s infinite Ls out here missing out on the biggest celebrity partnership two years ago
E! announced this week that they’re filming a new show set in Palm Beach featuring six of the OG Real Housewives of New York cast members, many of whom are active supporters of Donald Trump. Filming C-list rich ladies with a habit of saying shit that gets them fired in 2026? How could this go wrong?
Netflix already produced and aired a knockoff of this and it was a flop! Not even Obama-era nostalgia from the gay Bravo community will be able to save this.
yes, yes, i am still watching OG RHONY, but at least we have proud democrat and RHONY cast member Carole Radziwill to stan (please don’t talk to me about how she’s also in the files)
Anyway, thanks for reading, fuck ice, and I hope to write more culture updates in the future.
NOW LISTENING:
I’ve included this before and I’m going to fucking do it again. If I don’t see you shaking ass to this on the street with me this week, I’m going to sue!